It’s been two weeks since we found out that Jessie Faith passed away, although she may have died a few days before that, we will never know.
After we returned from Israel I decided I couldn’t wait for the next scan which was two weeks away so I booked a private scan to see if there was any changes, especially to the fluid levels. I had had a lot of prayers in Israel and really felt full of faith for her healing. So I went to the scan on my own….. as I was driving to the scan I felt God say ‘there will be angels in the room with you Cara,’ I immediately brushed that away not understanding.
the lady looked for all of 20 seconds and then put her hand on my arm and said ‘I’m very sorry there’s no heartbeat’………………………………
How could this be?????I immediately fell into floods of tears, well screams actually. Everything went dark.
Paul heard the news by phone and I managed to text my mum in Israel to fly over to look after the children so I could go and deliver my baby, my precious, planned (the only one) and longed for Jessie.
They were lovely at the hospital, very kind and gentle where they scanned me again, this time for about 5 minutes: double and probably triple checking there was no heartbeat. Again the words ‘I’m very sorry’….
she was definitely gone.
We decided to postpone induction as it was G’s 5th birthday two days later. I took the first set of tablets on Thursday 25th May which doesn’t start labour but just tells the body there is no pregnancy anymore. It lowers the progesterone. The sad thing is they said my body wouldn’t register that she had died for possibly another month or more. It’s amazing how our bodies are designed to protect that little life at all costs. They said I would risk infection if I went past 5 weeks.
48 hours later we came back to the hospital on Saturday morning to start induction drugs. I think I’ve never been more scared to do anything in my whole life! I was petrified, not just of the labour but about seeing her, having no clue to what she would be like or what condition she would be in.
It was a long 8 hour labour with very strong induction drugs they kept pumping into me every 3 hours. I kept refusing pain relief wanting to wait until the pain was very bad as I didn’t want to prolong anything. I did think I would have an epidural but eventually in the last hour got morphine which didn’t do anything for the pain but just made me really sick even with anti sickness injections. Jessie Faith was born silent at around 9pm that night without any pushing. Weighing 12 ounces. The silence was deafening, having been through this three times before that first scream is what you long to hear. We knew we wouldn’t but the crushing silence was only a few seconds before me and Paul both cried the most painful cry of our lives. I don’t think I will ever cry like that again. We held each other. Paul looked at her but I couldn’t at that point, I needed time.
I felt so sick from the morphine all I could do was to fall asleep. Paul went home to relive my parents and I slept the night with Jessie in a cot beside me.
I woke up the next morning to look at her and immediately cried and cried and cried and cried. I think I spent the whole day in tears. She was so tiny, perfect little hands and feet. The midwives took prints of her her hands and casts of her feet, they dressed her and I took many photos. We spent most of the day with her but then it was time to say goodbye and that was the hardest of all. Walking the long corridor out of the labour ward, floods of tears again with doctors and midwives all saying ‘I’m so sorry’.
We left without her. She spent 5 months inside me. 5 wonderful months with the gentlest most peaceful spirit I have ever been in contact with. I will never forget you my precious Jessie Faith.